3 Things I Remembered from My First By Design Retreat
By Kim Findlay
I have a confession. I recently attended my first women’s retreat after being in vocational ministry for over 25 years. Since many of those years were spent leading various children’s ministries, the timing for me to attend often didn’t work out. The overlap with when I needed to work left no space for personal connection with other women.
This year is different. While I continue to lead in my local church as a board member, teacher, and strategic team member, I’m serving as a volunteer and not a staff member, which means, to some degree, my time is my own.
So, when René, By Design’s executive director (also a dear friend), invited me to the retreat, I quickly said yes! I wanted to spend time with her and experience what I’d missed all those years. What I didn’t expect were the nerves that started to creep in as the weekend drew nearer.
What am I doing?
I’m too old to make new friends.
Will anyone even want to know me?
I almost felt like a middle school girl getting ready for her first dance as my insecurities and questions tripped over each other. I was so used to being a leader that I wasn’t sure how to simply be.
Can you relate? You say yes because everyone else has said no. You see the need so you step up, again, to fill the gap. You love what you do, so you keep going even though your body asks you to slow down. Your service, which once reflected your worship, started to blur into your identity. Who are you without what you do?
It’s okay. I’ve been there, too.
Though I helped in small ways during the retreat, René encouraged me to allow the space for God to minister to me. Her words stopped me as God reminded me that He doesn’t look for my deeds; He desires my heart.
Let me type those words again for those of you speed-scrolling through this post.
God isn’t looking for our deeds … your deeds or mine; He desires our hearts. He comes first, then everything else.
“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Matthew 6:33
“And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” Matthew 22:37
“God isn’t looking for our deeds … your deeds or mine; He desires our hearts.”
The Holy Spirit reminded me of three things during my first By Design retreat.
1. We need each other — we need community.
It’s not uncommon to feel lonely in our leadership, not because we don’t love people, but because calling others forward sometimes requires us to travel ahead as we mark a path for others to follow. But lest we assume that loneliness comes along with the responsibilities of leadership, God reminded me of the value of community to draw closer to Him.
“So let’s do it — full of belief, confident that we’re presentable inside and out. Let’s keep a firm grip on the promises that keep us going. He always keeps his word. Let’s see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out, not avoiding worshiping together as some do but spurring each other on, especially as we see the big Day approaching.” Hebrews 10:24-25, MSG
Yes, ministry leadership carries its challenges, but the beauty of By Design’s mission is in the opportunities to connect with other women who get that. While we may not attend the same church or participate in the same denomination, we recognize the weight and joy each other carries. Our hearts recognize each other as our relationships and words catch up.
2. We need courage.
For some odd reason, I’m more courageous when I’m in ministry mode than when I’m in, well, me-mode. Hand me a mic and speak to 100 people? Sure. Make decisions on the best ways to care for those in need? I got you. But seat me next to someone I don’t know when I don’t have a specific purpose to accomplish other than to know and be known?
Hmm … I think I’ll hide in the bathroom for a bit.
It takes courage to do the work God has called us to do, risk being wrong, or navigate the conflict that leadership often stirs up. But it also takes courage to connect with someone else.
And those gifts that come with those small steps of courage? They might introduce you to two neighbors you didn’t previously know but who live within two miles of you. (Yes, that did happen! I drove to the middle of New Hampshire to meet two lovely ladies who live just down the way from me.)
“So be strong and courageous, all you who put your hope in the Lord!” Psalm 31:24
We also need courage to lower our walls and masks and allow the Holy Spirit to care for us during times away, like the retreat. To risk being vulnerable, not just to share with someone else the power of His Presence, but to receive the gift that may be just for us, which leads me to the third thought.
3. We need compassion.
As women, we are quick to extend compassion and grace to others, especially those in our circles of care. We do well as we “weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice.”
But when we are the ones who need to weep? How often do we swallow our tears and fears for “the sake of the kingdom” so we don’t distract others from what the Holy Spirit might want to do in their lives? We forget that we, too, are His daughters and need His compassion.
I met Kristi in the living room area of the retreat center. We stood and chatted for quite some time, quickly moving from small talk to the deeper things we carried in our hearts. I didn’t know her before that moment, but after I shared a bit about my world and she shared some of hers, she gifted me with a moment of compassion that I didn’t know my heart hungered to receive. And then she prayed for me.
She didn’t pray for my ministry or the tasks I needed to do. She prayed for me, for my heart, and for God to care for my soul. What a gift.
“Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate? Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose. Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.” Philippians 2:1-3, NLT
I knew these things — that we need community, courage, and compassion. But on my first By Design retreat, God reminded me that those are not only for me to extend but also to receive. Yes, that was my first time away, but it definitely won’t be my last.
Kim Findlay is a speaker, author, and ministry leader with experience in strategic development, children’s ministry, discipleship, care, and prayer ministries. She’s a Midwesterner living in New England with her husband, Russ; they have raised seven children and now enjoy the titles of Nana and Papa to their grandchildren. She is a board member for South Shore Community Church and the New England District of the Christian and Missionary Alliance denomination, and she loves to encourage others toward faith and hope.