Summer Sampler: Why I Stopped Hiding My Pain
This year’s Summer Sampler theme is “Persevering in a Troubling and Ever-Changing World.” Life can be hard. Sometimes, really hard. How do we persevere through circumstances that threaten to break us? This summer, journey with some women who have been through it and have come out the other side with a deeper faith and confidence in God’s love.
By Anne Nason Briner
Keep a stiff upper lip. Grin and bear it. You may be familiar with these idioms to “soldier on” and put a lid on suffering and pain. I certainly am. Recently, I’ve been convicted of how that kept me from glorifying God by showing the reason for – and hope in – my suffering.
I was a “perfect attendance” child. I didn’t even get colds. Then in 1986, at age 23, I woke up one day unable to move my arm without excruciating pain. Within two weeks, this joint pain spread throughout my body. I could barely walk or drive my stick shift car.
This started my journey with rheumatoid arthritis (RA), a journey that brought me to Jesus when I was 37 (that’s a story for another day) and changed who I am.
In the near 40 years since, I’ve had three surgeries, two to remove joints in each foot, and one to replace my destroyed shoulder joint and rotator cuff via a “reverse total shoulder replacement.” My fingers are fused from the RA’s constant attack. My knees and other shoulder could use surgery to relieve pain and improve function. However, my current immune-depleting drug regimen poses too much risk of a septic infection from implanting more artificial joints.
I’ve been on immune system–robbing drugs since I was 23. Even with biologics and other new therapies, my RA is not so easily mollified. After 40 years of “willing” my body to work in a stressful yet satisfying career, I waved the white flag last year and filed for permanent disability.
Throughout, I minimized my suffering to others. I would say “it’s not that bad” if I said anything at all. I would try to hide my disfigurements, as I wouldn’t want to be seen as weak. So many people have it much worse – those who suffer from mental illness, addictions, domestic abuse, broken marriages, cancer, ALS, Parkinson’s, and on and on. I thought I was being humble and selfless by recognizing their pain while shrugging off my own.
Eventually I realized by hiding my weakness, I was robbing myself of the opportunity to point those with afflictions to God by encouraging them to see God’s sovereign purpose and hope in suffering. As the apostle Paul says in 2 Corinthians 4:7-12, “But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you.”
Through this God-centered lens, I now share how my afflictions allow me to identify more deeply with Jesus’ suffering on the cross. He willingly endured more than any other human has or will ever. He bore the weight of my sin and pain in each of the lashes, the taunts, the piercing nails, and the bleeding out of every drop of blood and water poured from his broken body.
And then he offers grace and mercy over my suffering. He gives me peace that passes all understanding. He fills me with joy each day through his Word, loving family, sisters and brothers in Christ, a God-loving (and Anne-loving!) church community, the beauty of his creation, wise and caring doctors, and more. Most of all, he assures me that I am his child, with an inheritance richer than the worldly blessings that are fleeting – perfect health, an overflowing bank account, and a pain-free existence.
We all suffer. But not everyone understands God’s sovereignty over and purpose for our suffering. Our open, humble sharing of personal suffering and weakness can be an encouragement to the Christians in our lives to persevere in their faith. We can help those who wonder why they suffer by drawing them to Jesus’ arms spread wide waiting to comfort them and give them eternal hope.
Anne Nason Briner delights in seeing the unexpected ways God gives her to share Jesus with others. Her career path led to her serving as a chief marketing officer for a large national environmental and engineering consulting firm. While working in the secular world presented faith challenges, it allowed her to grow in Christian character and love for our broken world. Anne worships joyfully and serves as a deacon and Bible study leader at Pepperell Christian Fellowship in Pepperell, MA. She lives with her husband, Ken, and two Havanese dogs in Nashua, NH.