When Someone You Love is Deconstructing Their Faith (and it’s breaking your heart)
It usually starts with a quiet comment or a hard question. Then, slowly, you realize the person you love is pulling away from the faith you once shared. Deconstruction is a heavy word, and for those of us watching from the sidelines, it can feel like watching a loved one walk into a thick fog.
What do we do when precious relationships are strained by spiritual doubt? My heart breaks for those of you navigating this right now. It can be scary and deeply painful. You might feel a sense of failure or a frantic need to fix them. However, I want to encourage you that even when your loved one’s faith feels shaky, God’s throne remains secure. And he loves them with a depth that we can only begin to comprehend.
How do we love someone well through this process? First, we must prioritize listening over lecturing. James 1:19 tells us that everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. When we let our fear take over and respond with defense mechanisms, we often shut down the very heart we are trying to reach. Ask open questions. Listen to their pain without immediately trying to refute it. Sometimes, people need a safe place to vent their frustrations with the Church or their confusion about Scripture. Be that safe place.
Second, we are called to show extraordinary mercy. Jude 1:22 gives us a simple but vital command: “Be merciful to those who doubt.” Doubt is not a sin; it is often a cry for clarity. Instead of meeting their questions with judgment, meet them with the same kindness that Christ shows us. Your relationship with them should not be contingent on their current theological standing. Continue to invite them to dinner, celebrate their milestones, and tell them you love them.
Third, it is helpful to remember that deconstruction is not always a departure from God. For many, it is actually a necessary part of making their faith their own. They might be in a season of jettisoning the heavy weights of church culture or legalism to discover what they truly believe about God. In 1 Thessalonians 5:21, we are told to test everything and hold fast what is good. This journey, while painful to watch, may be the very path God uses to strip away the superficial and bring them to a stronger, firmer faith built on Christ rather than the traditions of men.
This journey, while painful to watch, may be the very path God uses to strip away the superficial and bring them to a stronger, firmer faith built on Christ rather than the traditions of men.
Fourth, remember that you are not the Holy Spirit. We often carry the weight of someone else’s soul as if we are the ones responsible for saving them. 1 Peter 3:15 reminds us to always be prepared to give an answer for the hope that we have, but to do so with gentleness and respect. We provide the witness, but God provides the growth. Rest in His sovereignty. Romans 12:12 encourages us to be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.
Lastly, keep praying fervently. Your prayers are the most practical tool you have. Ask God to reveal Himself to them in ways that only He can. Trust that the Good Shepherd is capable of finding His sheep, even in the deepest fog. Your role is to stay close, keep the door open, and reflect the steady, unchanging love of Jesus.
Fear not, dear friends. He is not finished with their story, and He is certainly not finished with yours.
Kristi Stoughton is the Associate Director of By Design. She is a native of New Hampshire, where she currently resides with her husband Brian in a little lakeside cottage. They take great joy in their two sons, daughter-in-law, and two granddaughters. As a Christian speaker, Kristi has a passion for people to know God’s love deeply. She is an MDiv student at Fuller Seminary and is enjoying every minute. Kristi loves playing her guitar and singing on her church’s worship team as well as serving with her musical “sister chicks” as the worship team for women’s retreats and other events.